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Big Ben

The bell, cast in Whitechapel on 10 April 1858, was first rung in the Great Westminster Clock on 31 May 1859. It is the world’s largest four-faced, chiming clock and the third largest free-standing clock tower in the world.

The design for the Clock Tower was Pugin’s last design before his final descent into madness - the first of many such descents to occur in the immediate vicinity.

Because of changes in ground conditions since construction (notably tunnelling for the Jubilee Line extension), the tower leans slightly to the north-west, by roughly 8.66 inches at the clock face, giving an inclination of approximately 1/250, making it like many of the crooked individuals in the area.

Due to thermal effects (an unusually high incidence of hot air in the locality?) it oscillates annually by a few millimetres east and west, twisting and turning in the political weather.

No wonder it is such a symbol of our Parliament.

A brief advert from Iain Dale;

Next Friday from 9am until 4pm, and Sunday evening from 6pm until midnight I will be hosting, along with Hopi Sen, a live elections programme on PlayRadioUK. These would be very much akin to how we covered the local elections on 18 Doughty Street on local election night in 2007. Very rough and ready and using citizen journalists all round the country to provide information and updates on what is going on in their area. It will be a sort of PoliticalBetting.com on radio…

The BBC is not doing an election programme on the 5th and won’t be on air until 9pm on the Sunday, so it seems to me there is a lot of scope to do something very innovative.

I’m looking for correspondents to cover each of the County Council/Unitary elections and also for the Sunday, correspondents to cover each Euro region - preferably more than one. We have the facility to get people on air by phone, Skype, email, text and Twitter.

We’re not going to try to repeat the kind of election programme the mainstream broadcasters do - it will be very much live and loose, and totally reliant on citizen journalism and bloggers to make it work. We’ll be talking to leading politicians and pundits over the course of the programmes too, but the bulk of it will be devoted to people like you.

When I first wrote about this, I had a huge response from people offering to play a part, and I’ll be emailing you all over the weekend. But if there is anyone else who may be attending a count, or be able to act as a correspondent, do please email me or leave a comment and I will add you to our list.

And while I am at it, don’t forget to tune into my normal weekly show on Playradiouk tonight from 11pm to 1am. And even better, call in!

The Liberal Democrats have for a long time been obsessed with proportional representation (PR) - roughly since their Liberal ancestors stopped winning under the current system - on the grounds that, being unable to win themselves, they as third party could hold the balance of power forever under PR.

This is what advocates of PR call a democracy; a Leader of a Party (or potentially an individual MP) hardly anyone voted for chooses the government by choosing who to join coalition with, then holds them hostage to his/her demands with threats of pulling out, until the next general election when the whole silly business starts again. Proportional representation, hugely disproportionate power. Some evidence from the understandably pro-PR Greens: “They [the Greens] held a casting vote over the Mayor’s budget for four years and used it to get…”

As the chart below shows, at each general election since 1945 the minor parties - and in 12 of the 17 the Lib/LibDems alone - would have held the balance of power and casting votes. The last government to win over 50% of the vote was Stanley Baldwin in 1931.

Vote shares of the parties at each general election since 1945.

But I have long wondered why they are so blind to the obvious: PR would change the way people vote. The Lib Dems in particular would suffer to the Greens, as the latest European election polling shows.

Under PR we would suddenly have government held to ransom by potentially extreme minor parties or individuals. And although the unstable government may on paper have an arithmetic majority vote, no one would have voted for such a fruitcake coalition, and the policies that attracted them to Party X may be sacrificed by Party X in the backroom dealings to gain power! It’s madness!

I’m beginning to worry that we are a nation of witch hunters. First it was the bankers and the national witch-hunt for anyone who could be scapegoated for the recession; now it’s MP’s expenses which - although I am very angry about - needs a sense of proportion. We need to look at each case before chasing our MP’s down the road with the stake and setting up the bonfire!

What has made me worry is actually unrelated. Nervous Britain’s Got Talent star Jamie Pugh felt the wrath of our hardly honest newspapers (here, here and here for starters) because he once performed for one night as part of a group at a showcase for new talent in London and had answered “No” to the question “have you ever done anything like this, where you’ve sung with an audience like this?” he has been assaulted by the merciless language of the witch hunt. But define this - this as a talent show, this as a solo, or this as singing?

The moment they saw talent and a potential hook, the hunt was on.

The language of the hunt is dramatic - “Exposed”, “Liar”, “Fraud” - you can’t argue back. The exaggeration huge as a 1,000 capacity theatre becomes a 1,000 strong crowd and one night becomes “West end experience”. The underlying envy dripping from the pages. Previous winner Paul Potts was similarly attacked as not amateur enough.

Amanda Holden, the talentless judge best known as Les Dennis’ ex-wife and who stupidly expected Merlin Cadogan - suspended up-side-down from a burning rope in a straight jacket - to burn to death rather than fall, even said: “He got on my t*ts. I didn’t think he was genuine. I didn’t believe his emotion and I hated his voice. He sounded like a car starting. We all said, ‘Yes’ to him on the day so I feel terrible for saying it, but my heart’s not in that performance. He’s just a very weak Paul Potts. I didn’t like it.” She later buzzed him in the semi-finals and all three judges attacked his performance.

Of course speaking of liars, Piers Morgan and fake photos spring to mind.

Person One: I’m starting to get worried about MP’s, the mental torture of the Telegraph’s revelations must be hell.
Person Two: Yes I agree, if it gets much worse they’ll have to bring in the quacks.

From Daily Referendum
Speaker Michael Martin had a unique way to keep an eye on MP’s expenses. He had a clock made with extra big fingers that would tick on one minute every time a dodgy claim was submitted. When asked where he kept the clock, Martin said “It’s on my desk, I find it makes an excellent fan”.

And from Telford Live, a musical tribute to expenses gate (sing to ABBA’s original music);

Money Money Money

They lie all night, and cheat all day, their claims all in and then we pay
Ain’t it bad
And still it just appears to be, they’re all corrupt, no honesty
Make’s us mad
To take it all, that is their plan
To rake it in the perfect scam
Expenses paid, no claim too small, they spin around and catch us all…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

They list it all for where they stay, a second home someone must pay
Ain’t it bad
They say they claim it legally, they do not care as you can see
Make’s us mad
So they must leave, they have to know
We’ve had enough, they’ll have to go
They’ve made a fortune in a game, but life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

[repeat]

In an MP’s world

With the expenses saga now into its third week, public anger continues to grow. But whilst duck islands, moat cleaning and plant pruning at our expense are all hugely annoying, these insults are minor relative to the real injury - the pounds and pence we are being cost on ‘legitimate expenses’ - and we are at risk of scapegoating a few bad apples and letting off many more who avoided eye catching items but may have cost more in total.

The 10 MPs with the highest claims were:
1. Eric Joyce (Lab, Falkirk) £187,334
2. Michael Connarty (Lab, Linlithgow & Falkirk East) £183,466
3. Alistair Carmichael (Lib Dem, Orkney & Shetland) £176,190
4. Ben Wallace (Con, Lancaster & Wyre) £175,523
5. Mohammad Sarwar (Lab, Glasgow Central) £174,882
6. Charles Kennedy (Lib Dem, Ross, Skye & Inverness West) £174,232
7. Janet Anderson (Lab, Rossendale & Darwen) £173,556
8. David Borrow (Lab, South Ribble) £172,706
9. Jim McGovern (Lab, Dundee West) £171,989
10. Fabian Hamilton (Lab, North East Leeds) £171,824

It’s rather like the “Fred The Shred” saga. A particular individual case provides the ideal face for a wider public anger.

This is by no means a defence of MP’s such as Douglas Hogg or Anthony Steen, quite the reverse. We mustn’t allow insulting claims of a few to distract from the money grabbing of the many.

When an extremely bored historian of the future come to write about the downfall of Michael Martin as Speaker of the House of Commons - between writing ‘The Extended History of Bus Timetables of Mid Perthshire’ and ‘The Complete History of Onions’ - he will no doubt ponder at what point the situation tipped so precariously as to make Martins survival as official “silly man in a silly black dress” Impossible.

Was it when he attempted to take to court taxpayers using Freedom of Information laws to free up information about taxpayers’ money - using taxpayers’ money! - and so making himself target of Douglas Carswell?

Was it his mangled attack upon those reformist MP’s such as Kate Hoey where he criticised her for telling the press her opinions (I can’t give you his exact quote, I am still awaiting translation into a recognised modern language).

Or was it his pathetic apology that made no apology, and was read out from a piece of A4 paper clutched infront of him like he was a 6-year old ‘Third Shepherd’ at his first school nativity play? (It was just so awful, like a primary infants school pupil reading Biff & Chip [formerly Janet & John] with a moments pause before each word as the brain desperately attempts to recognise and synthesise the phonics infront of it: “The. Cat. Sat. On. The. Expenses. Form.”)

We will of course never know. What we do know however is our Parliamentarians’ whole hearted commitment to equal opportunities. For a man with such a problem speaking to be given a job entitled ‘Speaker’ is surely proof - either that or they all have an ironic sense of humour!

But now it is all over, no longer will we need to press Teletext to bring up the Subtitles when watching BBC Parliament. Now at long last we must find a new Speaker.

If Parliament were television the aspiring candidates would now be parading across Westminster Bridge in a powerful manner to Prokoviev’s Dance of the Knights (aka The Apprentice theme), each making bold statements of their own brilliance. Unfortunately Parliament isn’t reality television so we won’t get a 12 week “job interview from hell” in which the applicants fail miserably in their tasks of rebranding Margate and launching a breakfast cereal and set to a backdrop of swooping helicopter footage and dramatic music. There will be no “Pants Man”, only Claim for Pants Man.

Each of the applicants will however claim to be a White knight riding to slay the dragon of sleaze, but few of those listed currently are. Some have their own expenses issues, most have been too keen to defend Parliamentary money grabbing. To my mind only Frank Field and Kate Hoey are legitimate candidates of those currently being discussed; but it was Douglas Carswell who made this resignation happen, and having slayed the dragon’s keeper it is he who should finish the job from the Speaker’s Chair!

I heard there was a man called Gord,
Who looked at the polls and cried, “Oh Lord”,
‘Cos you couldn’t make ‘em much worse, could ya?
If it goes on like this,
They’ll come fourth or fifth,
‘Cos Labour’s support fall off a cliff
The baffled Ukip singing Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,

The economy was strong, you didn’t fix the roof!
Your economic forecasts stretch the truth,
But you can’t make five from two and two, can ya?
Now on Titanic you rearrange deckchairs,
Of the National Debt you say “Who cares?”
But the children won’t be singing Hallelujah,
No Hallelujah,
No Hallelujah,

Now in ‘79 we were here before,
Labour had Britain out on the floor,
But you could call election time now at least, couldn’t ya?
But your spineless so held up just by shirt-starch,
So delayed ’til 2010 is our victory march,
But it’ll be a cold and broken Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,

Now there was a time when things were alright,
But they changed that cold Winters night,
And you don’t wield handbags so, do ya?
You borrowed when times were good,
Under your debt we’re now sinking like The Hood,
When you’re gone we’ll all shout Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,

You think yourself like Robin Hood,
Taking from rich for needy good,
But you’re the taxman and the Sherrif, aren’t ya!
You tax the poor, but bail out bank,
Send soldiers to war with ill equipped tanks,
When you’re gone they’ll all shout Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,

When at record low you sold our gold,
You throw fits of rage and trashed liberties of old,
You’re Stalin, Jonah and Mr Bean, aren’t ya!
Now in the Furuhr-Bunker you throw your more temper prone,
Throwing staplers, keyboard, fax, mobile phone!
When your gone they’ll all buzz Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,

Now maybe there’s a God above,
And for you he may still have some love,
But you don’t expect a kind word from us, do ya?
Your debt keeps us awake at night,
And the working class are moving to the far right,
So it’ll be a cold and a broken Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah.

Piano tuning, plant pruning, pool cleaning, tennis court repair, designer furniture, cleaners, house keepers, a “mole man”, property portfolios, moat cleaning!

There’s no doubting that the Conservatives expense claims are most damaging - not because they spent more or claiming for manure is any worse than Jaqui Smith’s husband’s X-Rated movies, Hazel Blears’ adapted motorbike or a bathplug, but because each has reinforced a negative stereotype of “Tory Toffs” in their large country houses.

It’s a largely unfair and incorrect image; but when people such as Douglas Hogg claim for moat cleaning at his rather nice country estate, it certainly creates it.

But could expenses-gate be a blessing in disguise?

For starters the fast, strong and action taking stance of David Cameron has contrasted sharply with Gordon Brown’s commitee, panel and review with view of setting targets for action later ‘New Labour’ approach. And the swift action of the Conservative leader has received wide support in the press, in particularly the Daily Mail.

But could there be a bigger, more long term benefit? A benefit that will be felt for years to come?

Cameron has already stated some MPs may be expelled if they don’t repay, something I can’t see Douglas Hogg doing, and others are likely to be asked to step down at the next general election if they aren’t deselected anyway.

But there’s another great Yes Minister quote that sums it up;

Sir Humphrey: There are only 630 MPs and a party with just over 300 MPs forms a government and of these 300, 100 are too old and too silly to be ministers and 100 too young and too callow. Therefore there are about 100 MPs to fill 100 government posts. Effectively no choice at all.

Surely removing a few who are “too old and too silly”, especially those who are a really negative image liability and never going to be of any use to anyone ever again, might be a silver lining to this expenses cloud?

Things cannot get much worse for Gordon Brown and Labour: there’s an 18-19 point Conservative lead and voters are so overwhelmingly hostile to the government that even an economic recovery of mid-90s proportions would save them. Even in Scotland there is Tory progress! Like it was for the Conservatives in ‘97 Donald Trump’s favourite saying - “It’s not personal, it’s business” - can be reversed: for the voters now it’s not business, it’s personal.

As Hazel Blears wrote: “[Labour] approached the Ghurkha issue purely rationally and were mown down by a wave of emotion…we need to plug ourselves back into people’s emotions and instincts and sound a little less ministerial and a little more human.”

But Labour can never sound human, because socialism isn’t human. It’s the warped theory of people as numbers, statistics not souls. It created “machines for living in” and suffocating health & safety, a client state, choking bureaucracy, endless forms to fill and file, a broken society where someone else is always expected to foot the bill and someone else always to blame.

And this is why Gordon Brown wouldn’t know a good headline opportunity if it hit him in the head. You see there’s lots he could do - grant Citizenship to the Gurkahs, get angry with Laos, redirect EU funding to cancer drugs NICE rejects as “not cost effective” - but he doesn’t. Like a Cyberman or Dalek he is without emotion, so he cannot understand.