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The Corrigan Brothers - who sang such hits as There’s No One as Irish as Barrack O’Bama - have been in touch to tell us about their new song.

Ireland’s Corrigan Brothers, the Band who had the International hit “There’s no one as Irish as Barack O’Bama” and who played at President Barack Obama’s inauguration have sent their new song to every British MP - IT’S the MP’s Expenses Song!

The Corrigan Brothers will help pay back expenses for any MP who will perform the song live with them.

Lead singer Ger Corrigan said “those claims are nuts, we just had to write a song about them and we offer to help pay back the expenses for any mp who will PERFORM THE SONG LIVE (JUST ONCE) with us”

THE LYRICS
I’m only human, I’m your MP
I’ve been claiming excessively
Two toilet seats or clean my moat
A pack of Tampax but I’m a bloke

My swimming pool sprung a leak
66 grand, that was cheap
Ikea bag cost 5p
And twenty quid on a porno movie

chorus
I’m only human
Spare a thought for me
It costs a lot to be your MP
Fluffy dusters and HobNobs
We need these things to do our jobs

A claim for nappies and a Kit Kat too
A glittery seat for my loo
A chocolate Santa
That was me
And decorations for my Christmas tree
I bought a lemon and sent in a claim
I changed my lightbulbs and claimed again
82 quid for a frame on my shelf
A lovely photo of myself

It’s that annual time of year again – as regular as the tide, as traditional as May Day – the annual Bash Prince Charles Over His Expenses Day.

I don’t partake.

Prince Charles gets a lot of stick, and he doesn’t deserve it.

People laughed at his interest in organic farming, yet today it’s a mass industry and in every supermarket.

People sneered when he described modernist building as a “monstrous carbuncle”, but who today disagrees?

And every year he gets attacked for his expenses, and I’ve had enough. Leave the guy alone!

Yes he spent 1.71 million pounds on travel expenses. But he did so travelling more than 50,000 miles to 658 official engagements! As Alan Bennet said, “…he really works his ass off.

“He’s much more conscientious and attentive to people than he is ever given credit for and so, as I say, I have a great deal of time for him.”

Author Ingrid Seward, who has written extensively about the Royal Family, told the BBC that Charles offered “value for money” and was “no burden” on the taxpayer.

“When Prince Charles goes on foreign trips it’s not [simply] because he wants to, it’s because he’s invited by foreign countries and it must be paid for because he’s a great ambassador,” she said. And she’s right.

Prince Charles, and the Monarchy, are a great force for good in this country. In times of crisis they are a symbol of stability, in times of division they are a unifying force that can represent us all and be above politics.

In diplomacy at home and abroad, in business and trade, in culture and international relations, the Monarchy lets us punch above our weight. The Obamas want The Queen at D-Day, not Gordon Brown. America goes into a frenzy when they visit the US. The Heads of every government are blown away by the WOW factor of a State visit.

And easily forgotten is that the Grant-in-Aid funding for the Queen’s Household from Parliament that pays for all this is actually given in exchange for the surrender of revenue from the Crown Estate. The revenues of Crown Estate – with a value of more than £7.3bn – far exceeds the taxpayer grants. The Treasury takes far more from the Royals than it ever gives.

And what the jealous hate-mongers of Republic forget is that the Prince of Wales also raised over £130 million in the last year alone for his core charities which are regarded as hugely beneficial. What have the bearded weirded of Republic ever done?

More jokes harvested from various sources about MP’s expenses.

Labour MP said his claims were “1000% within the rules”; the same amount he claimed on his mortgage.

Politics. From the Latin ‘poli’, meaning many, and ‘tics’, meaning blood sucking parasites.

How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they’ll stick it on expenses.

People say politicians need to be more transparent, that’s rubbish. Politicians are more transparent now than ever, the entire country can see right through them.

Vote Labour. We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Speaker Michael Martin has been removed. The last time I saw a speaker removed so fast it was under someone’s arm in Dixons.

A florist goes into a hairdressers for a haircut. Pleased with the result she goes to pay but is turned down. “I’m on community service this week, I’m not charging”. The florist goes away happy and the next morning the hairdresser arrives at work to find a thank you card and a bouquet of 12 roses from the florist. Later a baker has his hair cut and again is told not to pay, and the next morning the hairdresser discovers a thank you card and 12 cakes on the door. Later an MP has his hair cut and again gets it free. Wondering what she will find the next morning, the hairdresser is shocked to find a thank you card and 12 MPs wanting free haircuts.

David Cameron must be in a cooking mood. A round-robin letter by an anonymous person - claiming to be a Tory MP - accuses him of using ‘Stallinist tactics’ and anger at the expenses scandal to remake the party in a new image, using ‘kangaroo courts’ of his close supporters to force out old MPs. The old adage that you can’t make on omelette without breaking some eggs springs to mind.

Now I am certainly not in favour of Stallinist tactics or the ousting of elected representatives by party leadership. But - and it’s a big but - many MPs have acted very badly, breaking the expenses rules or at the very least having their snouts very firmly in the trough.

Caught out, many of what are described as ‘old guard’ have reacted terribly to the revelations. Disgusting arrogance, rudeness, dismissive responses, a ‘my right’ culture. Douglas Hogg walking away from reporters. Anthony Steen accusing his constituents of jealousy. And now Brian Binley - who claimed over £50,000 for a flat rented from his own company and £2,115 for a truly dire website I half suspect he made himself - being absolutely petulant in his assertations that he won’t repay anything even if asked!

With friends like these, who needs enemies? Each are surely guaranteed to lose their seats if they stand again - they simply have to go! Yes it is a blessing in disguise that a few people who are tired, stale and old (in the sense they have been MPs for too long, not actual physical age) are being replaced by hopefully better new recruits, but it is still vital.

Of course if we had Open Primaries and Voter Recall, we wouldn’t have this problem, but I can’t see these ‘old guard’ wanting that. Turkeys don’t vote for Christmas.

ToryBear notes that whoever designed Brian Binley’s shockingly bad website didn’t factor in the thought that the scrolling BBC news feed might one day be leading with a scandal about their boss:

And it is a shockingly bad website too, which “was funded from the Incidental Expenses Provision” and cost a rip-off £2,115 according to his expenses claims!

The website has no “Webdesign by……” footer, instead reading “Brian Binley MP is responsible for this site”. Hmmmmm. Either he did it himself, or he hired the World’s worst web designer at a rip off rate!

Person One: I’m starting to get worried about MP’s, the mental torture of the Telegraph’s revelations must be hell.
Person Two: Yes I agree, if it gets much worse they’ll have to bring in the quacks.

From Daily Referendum
Speaker Michael Martin had a unique way to keep an eye on MP’s expenses. He had a clock made with extra big fingers that would tick on one minute every time a dodgy claim was submitted. When asked where he kept the clock, Martin said “It’s on my desk, I find it makes an excellent fan”.

And from Telford Live, a musical tribute to expenses gate (sing to ABBA’s original music);

Money Money Money

They lie all night, and cheat all day, their claims all in and then we pay
Ain’t it bad
And still it just appears to be, they’re all corrupt, no honesty
Make’s us mad
To take it all, that is their plan
To rake it in the perfect scam
Expenses paid, no claim too small, they spin around and catch us all…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

They list it all for where they stay, a second home someone must pay
Ain’t it bad
They say they claim it legally, they do not care as you can see
Make’s us mad
So they must leave, they have to know
We’ve had enough, they’ll have to go
They’ve made a fortune in a game, but life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

[repeat]

In an MP’s world

With the expenses saga now into its third week, public anger continues to grow. But whilst duck islands, moat cleaning and plant pruning at our expense are all hugely annoying, these insults are minor relative to the real injury - the pounds and pence we are being cost on ‘legitimate expenses’ - and we are at risk of scapegoating a few bad apples and letting off many more who avoided eye catching items but may have cost more in total.

The 10 MPs with the highest claims were:
1. Eric Joyce (Lab, Falkirk) £187,334
2. Michael Connarty (Lab, Linlithgow & Falkirk East) £183,466
3. Alistair Carmichael (Lib Dem, Orkney & Shetland) £176,190
4. Ben Wallace (Con, Lancaster & Wyre) £175,523
5. Mohammad Sarwar (Lab, Glasgow Central) £174,882
6. Charles Kennedy (Lib Dem, Ross, Skye & Inverness West) £174,232
7. Janet Anderson (Lab, Rossendale & Darwen) £173,556
8. David Borrow (Lab, South Ribble) £172,706
9. Jim McGovern (Lab, Dundee West) £171,989
10. Fabian Hamilton (Lab, North East Leeds) £171,824

It’s rather like the “Fred The Shred” saga. A particular individual case provides the ideal face for a wider public anger.

This is by no means a defence of MP’s such as Douglas Hogg or Anthony Steen, quite the reverse. We mustn’t allow insulting claims of a few to distract from the money grabbing of the many.

Piano tuning, plant pruning, pool cleaning, tennis court repair, designer furniture, cleaners, house keepers, a “mole man”, property portfolios, moat cleaning!

There’s no doubting that the Conservatives expense claims are most damaging - not because they spent more or claiming for manure is any worse than Jaqui Smith’s husband’s X-Rated movies, Hazel Blears’ adapted motorbike or a bathplug, but because each has reinforced a negative stereotype of “Tory Toffs” in their large country houses.

It’s a largely unfair and incorrect image; but when people such as Douglas Hogg claim for moat cleaning at his rather nice country estate, it certainly creates it.

But could expenses-gate be a blessing in disguise?

For starters the fast, strong and action taking stance of David Cameron has contrasted sharply with Gordon Brown’s commitee, panel and review with view of setting targets for action later ‘New Labour’ approach. And the swift action of the Conservative leader has received wide support in the press, in particularly the Daily Mail.

But could there be a bigger, more long term benefit? A benefit that will be felt for years to come?

Cameron has already stated some MPs may be expelled if they don’t repay, something I can’t see Douglas Hogg doing, and others are likely to be asked to step down at the next general election if they aren’t deselected anyway.

But there’s another great Yes Minister quote that sums it up;

Sir Humphrey: There are only 630 MPs and a party with just over 300 MPs forms a government and of these 300, 100 are too old and too silly to be ministers and 100 too young and too callow. Therefore there are about 100 MPs to fill 100 government posts. Effectively no choice at all.

Surely removing a few who are “too old and too silly”, especially those who are a really negative image liability and never going to be of any use to anyone ever again, might be a silver lining to this expenses cloud?