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The Corrigan Brothers - who sang such hits as There’s No One as Irish as Barrack O’Bama - have been in touch to tell us about their new song.

Ireland’s Corrigan Brothers, the Band who had the International hit “There’s no one as Irish as Barack O’Bama” and who played at President Barack Obama’s inauguration have sent their new song to every British MP - IT’S the MP’s Expenses Song!

The Corrigan Brothers will help pay back expenses for any MP who will perform the song live with them.

Lead singer Ger Corrigan said “those claims are nuts, we just had to write a song about them and we offer to help pay back the expenses for any mp who will PERFORM THE SONG LIVE (JUST ONCE) with us”

THE LYRICS
I’m only human, I’m your MP
I’ve been claiming excessively
Two toilet seats or clean my moat
A pack of Tampax but I’m a bloke

My swimming pool sprung a leak
66 grand, that was cheap
Ikea bag cost 5p
And twenty quid on a porno movie

chorus
I’m only human
Spare a thought for me
It costs a lot to be your MP
Fluffy dusters and HobNobs
We need these things to do our jobs

A claim for nappies and a Kit Kat too
A glittery seat for my loo
A chocolate Santa
That was me
And decorations for my Christmas tree
I bought a lemon and sent in a claim
I changed my lightbulbs and claimed again
82 quid for a frame on my shelf
A lovely photo of myself

Person One: I’m starting to get worried about MP’s, the mental torture of the Telegraph’s revelations must be hell.
Person Two: Yes I agree, if it gets much worse they’ll have to bring in the quacks.

From Daily Referendum
Speaker Michael Martin had a unique way to keep an eye on MP’s expenses. He had a clock made with extra big fingers that would tick on one minute every time a dodgy claim was submitted. When asked where he kept the clock, Martin said “It’s on my desk, I find it makes an excellent fan”.

And from Telford Live, a musical tribute to expenses gate (sing to ABBA’s original music);

Money Money Money

They lie all night, and cheat all day, their claims all in and then we pay
Ain’t it bad
And still it just appears to be, they’re all corrupt, no honesty
Make’s us mad
To take it all, that is their plan
To rake it in the perfect scam
Expenses paid, no claim too small, they spin around and catch us all…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

They list it all for where they stay, a second home someone must pay
Ain’t it bad
They say they claim it legally, they do not care as you can see
Make’s us mad
So they must leave, they have to know
We’ve had enough, they’ll have to go
They’ve made a fortune in a game, but life will never be the same…

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

[repeat]

In an MP’s world

Generally I am against the throwing of custard pies - and other gunge like substances - although the ennobling of Peter “Lord” Mandelson has made me think twice. But still I stand with my view, politicians - even those reptilian lizard like ones such as Mandelson who’s natural habitat is slime - should be able to go about in public free from the fear of imminent and unexpected gunging.

If we are going to allow the use of custard pies and other non-hazardous but easily sloppable matter in the political process, and many say it is a good means of anger management, the supporters of such activities should publish a clear and strict set of rules - a kind of Geneva Convention on Custard Pies - for all to follow. Here are my suggestions.

1. Custard Pies must always be non-hazardous.
2. Victims of pie throwing may counter attack.
3. Pies can only be thrown as a last resort when the democratic/legal process has failed and individuals are being over-ruled by the State (i.e. expropriation of property etc)
4. Pie contents and consistency should meet a European Directive regulatory framework on the harmonisation of custard pies, and must be inspected before launch by a specially appointed professional expert from the multi-million pound European Custard Pie Agency quango.

With rules like these, pie throwing would be a thing of the past.

However maybe Mandelson should be the exception to the rules…

Gordon Brown visited a primary school today.

The children were discussing the meanings of words with the teacher in their English class by giving examples, the words being randomly selected by a high tech government issue devise formerly known as a hat. The teacher invited Gordon Brown to have a go, and he pulls out the word “tragedy”.

“Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy,” he asked.

Hands go up across the room.

“Other than that,” the teacher interupts. All but three hands go down.

Gordon Brpwn picks the first child. “A tragedy would be if I ran my brother over with a tractor on the farm,” he said.

“No,” Brown responded, “that would be an accident.”

Then he asked the second child. “A tragedy would be if a plane full of children got shot down.”

“Nope, wrong again I’m affeaid,” Brown replied smugly, “that would be a great loss.”

The third child now gets picked. “A tragedy would be if you and your advisors were on a plane that got shot down.”

“Correct, said Gordon, “how did you know that?”

“Well it was easy,” the boy said, “‘Cos it wouldn’t be a great loss and is hardly likely to be an accident.”

A bit long I know but still good. I think it’s been doing the rounds on the Internet a few weeks now.